I'd like to warn people about my experience of eating at the fabulous Belfry Hotel. Five hours after eating duck at the Belfry my friend spent the rest of the night in the bathroom.

When I rang the hotel, I was introduced to the Dashing Debbie and Dave. Speaking to the wonderful Debbie Evans and her fabulous boss David Toulson-Burke (yes, his real name) I was informed of the Belfry's practise in dealing with people poisoned by their food.

First, according to the brilliant Debbie and Dave, it is "IMPOSSIBLE to get food poisoning in less than 12 hours". That's what their training tells them, so unless the food was obviously rotten, we must be mistaken. (Whatever training course they're using, they should change it).

So as their restaurant was unlikely to be at fault, they would require my friend to list everything she had eaten for the last 36 hours. The fact that she hadn't eaten anything else that day didn't concern them, because...

Next they would require my friend to subject herself to an examination by her doctor.

Next, they would launch an investigation by their highly specialised Health and Safety team who would thoroughly examine the circumstances of this episode to discover whether it was indeed her duck that caused her illness. How you work out whether this particular portion of duck which no longer exists could be proven to be the cause of her illness, science has yet to explain. But given she hadn't eaten anything else that day, it looks like their training course is rather more successful in teaching Debbie and Dave how to pass the buck than cook the duck.

Next, after this extensive research by their top team had taken place, the Dashing Duo would finally be in a position to declare whether indeed their fabulous cooking was to blame (but it wasn't, because it's "IMPOSSIBLE" to get food poisoning in less than 12 hours).

Until that point, no apology from dear Debbie, no flowers from delightful Dave. Instead Definite Dave declared, as all great managers declaim in times of need: "No-one else has complained!".

So good luck all future customers of the Belfry. If anything goes wrong, The Dashing Duo Debbie and Dave are waiting to take your call.