02 Sep 2006
In my view, boring an audience should be a criminal offence.
My White Paper would set out the following:
It should be mandatory for all theatres to provide evaluation sheets in their foyers. Should more than 70% of the audience that night say the show was BORING, the show would be forced to close at the end of the week. (Equity would have a Boredom Fund to pay actors two weeks notice should the show be closed due to audience boredom).
There would be a right of appeal and the theatre would have the chance to make the show more enjoyable. A committee of regular theatre-goers would then judge if the show should be allowed back on stage for a final reprieve. But if more than 90% of the audience said it was boring, there would be no appeal.
The directors and producers would then be prosecuted and banned from presenting theatre for two to five years, depending on the severity of the boredom.
The percentages would be open to debate. Perhaps a show should close if 50% of the audience are bored? Perhaps there should be levels of boredom:
1) BORED
2) VERY BORED
3) I HAVEN’T BEEN MORE BORED THAN THIS SINCE I WENT TO THE RSC IN 1982
4) MORE BORED THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN EVER
Anyone walking out would count as BORED.
Any suicides amongst members of the audience during a performance would count as VERY BORED.
Should my White Paper be introduced as law, I just have a feeling that more theatres around the country would start staging a surprising number of interesting, entertaining and challenging shows!